I have been here in Australia for nearly three weeks now. Anna has been quite ill. Most of the time while I have been here she has been in the hospital. When she was home she was physically uncomfortable with back and rib pain, digestive trouble, lethargy and general “not wellness”. A few of the issues have been resolved this time in the hospital but not all issues. Some, like her liver, are baffling the docs. We are waiting and hoping for more answers and solutions.
Meanwhile, we paint. We color our world. I know when one feels depressed we use a lot of grey and black on top of white to create images. Those colors sit muted and kind of all blend in. When we are searching for meaning we add in color. What happens when I use green? When I go outside in nature. What happens when I use yellow and the scene gets a little brighter? What happens when I use red and my emotions flair? What happens when I use purple like a child who just wants to see what it will look like? We all paint our world and create the landscape.
The Landscape here in our family world is changing. It is strangely different than I have felt before. I have not seen Anna this ill in such a long time and it is different. I am unsure what this landscape is. I am looking for the sign posts. Are those grey mountains and dark black paths that lead off into the future? Are there colors of childish purple that tell of a grand great house that is filled with family and pets that Zoe described to me yesterday when we were on the swings? What is this landscape now? Not sure. It is uncomfortable. So much so I need to paint a flower. It is about growth and life. There always has to be a flower somewhere. I look for them. And there needs to be that yellow and gold for the magic and signs that it all matters, it all is connected. It is up to me to put that there too.
I am writing about how this all feels everyday. I have a folder on my desktop that is titled, New Book Notes. Not sure where that will take me but maybe the description of my feelings and the observation of my paintings at this time will be like a road map. I always hope for road maps that lead me to a place of more presence, more understanding and deeper knowledge. I will add a few trees on those grey granite mountains to set my tent or rather my trusty teardrop trailer, Rosie. I will camp there and listen while I paint in this new place.
I am welcoming you here in this world where I have learned so much about the truth of love, seen real courage and found special miracles. I know it is your world too. I still believe in all of that in this new landscape that is not yet formed, but has appeared just after rounding a corner. Now as I paint under these trees, I take cues from Zoe and her stories of “when I was a little girl” or “when I was a bigger girl”…..those places she goes in her mind’s eye that have wonder and love and are so very interesting. I know this description is so cryptic and vague in so many ways but I am living in vague and I don’t know. I just don’t know and I have not been here before. But, I have tools to decipher this map. I am working on it. Sometimes I can not find my glasses. I left them on the kitchen counter or was it the sofa? Does that make sense? If no, I am sorry. Maybe the next post will be more clear and the images more defined.
Good vibes and love are always welcome here. I will paint more of that in too.