An Australian white ibis brings me to equanimity. This is a word that I have been thinking about a lot. What does it mean, really? It is one of the four immeasurables in Buddhist teachings along with loving-kindness, compassion and joy. It is that quality of being calm in the middle of a storm. When you are, you are able to better cultivate the other qualities. All of these qualities are available to us and found with mindfulness.
When exploring this quality of equanimity, being calm, being equal, being in the middle, we can have many questions about how to find it. I have been deliberate about finding it when I am challenged and emotions arise. In this deliberate and determined effort I have been walking every day. I give my self a gift of time to move my body, exercise in nature, walk and observe. I found a 3 mile walk that leads me along the edge of wetlands with reeds, grasses, open sky, water, pink algae and sometimes white ibis. When they take off and fly above with that white wing span and odd curved black beak it is a mystical sight of wonder. It really is. And some days it is something else, a fairy wren hopping on to the fence wire or a new holland with its sunshine yellow wing feathers. They all seem to be my healers and guides to equanimity. They are my centering. I find that calm in the storm, the emotions settle. It sets me right, brings me back, lets me know it is all just the way it is supposed to be, I am here. And it is good.
In dealing with difficult emotions, trying times and illness how we hold our emotions is crucial. I have taught myself to feel, recognize, examine and look for simply what is. I question, am I pushing off the feelings? Am I denying my traumas? Or are they simply not as immediate as they want me to believe they are and are just a part of a bigger picture? How is it that my feelings, my struggles, the struggles of my family and my life are part of the world of the Australian white ibis and pink algae? All of these feelings that arise in me, all the experiences exist in the same world. If I let myself be in it all I can experience some equanimity.
When I began my journey as a mom with a child who has a serious illness over 40 years ago I heard a voice that told me, “if she lives a long life, there will be many blessings, if she lives a short life, there will be many blessings. They are both the same.” As time as moved on I am understanding more and more this is what I understand equanimity to mean.
Many times when I need guidance I go on the internet and put in words like equanimity or I look for quotes from the Dalai Lama such as the following….
“Again, we may sometimes feel that our whole lives are unsatisfactory, we feel on the point of being overwhelmed by the difficulties that confront us. This happens to us all in varying degrees from time to time. When this occurs, it is vital that we make every effort to find a way of lifting our spirits. We can do this by recollecting our good fortune. We may, for example, be loved by someone; we may have certain talents; we may have received a good education; we may have our basic needs provided for – food to eat, clothes to wear, somewhere to live – we may have performed certain altruistic deeds in the past. We must take into consideration even the slightest positive aspect of our lives. For if we fail to find some way of uplifting ourselves, there is every danger of sinking further into our sense of powerlessness. This can lead us to believe that we have no capacity for doing good whatsoever. Thus, we create the conditions of despair itself.” The Fourteenth Dalai Lama
It is about a deliberate effort to lift ourselves. I am lifted by the wings of the white ibis.
Anna is improving in her strength. It is clear she is getting better. It is good to be together and to help her. I am so fortunate to have good health to help my daughter whose health has been challenged her entire life. It is exhausting for her. I want her to experience some equanimity in a life that is so very tough in so many ways. I know it is found in the moments, the times in between, in the middle. I also know that unless I find it for myself first I can not nurture it for her. As they say, put your oxygen mask on first.
Walk in natural settings. Find equanimity. Think on this word, feel its quality. Loving -kindness, compassion and joy arises.